Fostering Love

October 2013, I posted this about the beginning of our fostering journey. As life has happened, I have struggled with how much I should share with all of you and how much to keep close to home. In a culture full of people who long to share every detail of our lives....right down to what we ate for breakfast, what time we woke up, and how many toe nails we clip per day; I feel almost a rebellion to over-privatize our lives. To make a bold statement that says, "I do not want the whole world to know every detail of my life." To keep treasured moments sacred and to protect the privacy and the rights of my children.

Yet, there is something stirring in me that longs to be heard. Something bigger than my need to stay quiet on the subject of our hopefully "soon to be adopted" son. Something that wants to be heard over Superbowls, Deflate Gate, and hundreds of facebook posts about vaccinations. Something that needs to be heard above the cultural judgments, above the disapproving looks and comments we make when passing on our opinions. Yet, in order for something to be heard, it first needs to be spoken.

When we first began this journey, we heard the same statement from many people, "Be careful; you will become attached, and then the state will just take the child away."  I could probably grow rich if I made money on how many times I have heard this statement. I may have, in fact, said the same thing to other foster parents before I became one myself (and to all of you, I am sorry). This statement is completely false. There is no truth to this whatsoever.  The reality is: it is not that EASY to become emotionally attached to another person's child. Especially when this child is seeing their birth parents three times a week. Especially when there are constant reminders from caseworkers, lawyers, and judges that this child is not yours, and you may not claim them as your own. Especially when you know that you did not give birth to this child that you have welcomed into your home.

We have all heard the age old mantra, "love is a verb." What does that really look like? I can honestly tell you I didn't know until I welcomed a stranger into my home. I had an instant emotional attachment to all of my birth children. There are no words that can describe the instant love and emotion a mom has for her newborn child. Foster parents do not have the privilege of this instant emotional attachment. Our little guy came into our home walking, talking, crying for his birth parents, eating so much that he would puke. He came into our home with screaming fits of rage, hitting me, running away from us, and more. I can tell you that there was not an instant emotional attachment. There was no time. It was an instant playing referee and trying to anticipate the next outburst so we could prevent it. Then our little guy got sick: high fever, lethargic....and we held him. He snuggled into me and fell asleep. This is when I first thought about love as a verb. As he slept, I kissed him and told him how much I loved him. I chose the action of love even without the emotion of love.

We were on vacation, and the little guy fell down. Daddy ran to him, picked him up, held him, kissed his boo-boo and snuggled until he felt better. We only had him a couple of months; he was still seeing his birth parents. We chose the action of love even without the emotion of love.

One year, almost exactly, after he came to live with us, I am tucking him into bed. I look at him and say, "Good-night, Mommy loves you." He says, "My love you too Mommy." I melt. I cry uncontrollably. My heart feels like it is going to rip out of my chest. Now, I love with action AND emotion. It took almost a full year for me to feel emotionally attached to this little child. Through that whole year, we chose to love him. We chose kisses, hugs, bedtimes stories, snuggles, "love yous." We chose patience, eagerness to listen. We chose to go to meeting after meeting, court, and phone calls all about the "case." We chose to love him even without an emotional attachment.

I say this to be heard. I say this because so many people are "set up" to be instantly attached; then feel guilty when they are not.  Foster mom and dad....adoptive mom and dad: it is okay if you are not instantly emotionally attached; it will come. It takes time, energy, and a complete sacrifice of self-will to love a child that you did not birth. A child that comes with a history that you may not know. A child that comes with behaviors that you do not expect. A child that comes in innocence and fear. A child that is so beautiful that you can hardly turn your head away. This child, the one that you have right now, will receive your love because you make a choice. In time, your heart will melt for his (and his for you), and you will be knit together in a way that you cannot completely understand. A way that doesn't make sense and will never make sense.

We have had this little guy for over a year. He calls us Mommy and Daddy. If either of us needs to leave the house he says, "Wait! My need to give you a kiss." He holds us tight, and we hold him tighter at night. We tuck him in and tell him how much we love him.While we wait for the final adoption to go through, we know without a doubt that he completes our family. We are blessed once again with a loving, full of energy and excitement little guy.

So, foster and adoptive parents. Let's be heard above the noise of life. Let us allow love to prevail. Let us love without inhibition. Let us make a choice to love even when emotionally we cannot feel it. Because, after all: Love is a verb.

Thanksgiving

We traveled 13 hours - through 8 states - this year to give thanks with dear friends. I could write about the technical pieces of our trip: the fun the kids had, the sites that were seen, the food that was consumed (and how delicious it was). I am abundantly thankful for all of this, but there is something bigger; something greater than fun, food, and sites: friendship.

A friendship that has remained consistent in integrity, health and love through 20 years of moving, growing, and changing. A friendship that has intensified through disagreements, re-alignments, and family ideals. This friendship that started when we were a mere 12 years old.

A friendship that laughs through sleet, deep puddles, and crying babies.

A friendship that encourages through stressful, intense moments; the moments that often get covered up, except in the presence of those you most trust. Those that you know will love you regardless of your faults, anxieties, and insecurities. A friendship that celebrates differences and embraces similarities.

A frienship that hums love songs while playing Crazy 8's with the children. No holding back. A friendship that laughs hysterically even when it isn't that funny. A friendship that digs deep into the soul without condemnation. A friendship that includes the family; one where the dads embrace one another and spend a morning at the zoo with all the children while we talk and reminisce while preparing Thanksgiving dinner together.

A friendship that enjoys being together and remains strong while we are apart.

This kind of friendship is worth way more than a 13 hour drive.

In Which She Grows Up

I know, I know. It has been a long time. I have been too busy living life to write about it. The days seem to run together between raising 5 children, an extensive remodel, and life happenings. Well, the remodel is nearly done....the raising of the 5 children is ongoing and so is life, but I find it necessary to blog tonight.

You see, the oldest is growing up. It happened in the middle of laughter, tears, stress, and peace. It happened while I combed her hair; it happened when she learned to comb her own hair. It happened when she took her first steps, said her first word, and lost her first tooth. It happened when she read her first book and wrote her first story. It happened, and it is still happening.

As part of the remodel, we promised her her own room. A place for her to be her pre-teen self. And then it really happened.

She chose colors and lamps. She asked for decorations and fabric. She requested a chair for her birthday. We tucked her in the first night. Then we came downstairs and emotion overtook us. Dear Husband and I cried together. We didn't know it would feel like this.

When did our baby become a young lady? When did she trade in tiaras and toys for soap making and writing? Don't get me wrong, she still indulges in the daily imaginative adventure, but it is different.

I walk alongside her while we grocery shop; just the two of us, and I realize that I am looking directly into her eyes. I no longer look down and gaze upon the top of her head. I look into her eyes. Big eyes, like her Daddy's.

We talk about when she was two. Her massive fit that one time at the store. She laughs and says, "I sure am glad I don't do that anymore." I agree, but I miss it too. I miss the little giggles. I miss the dancing princess in her red tutu. But I look forward to so much more. I look forward to our late night conversation. I look forward to asking her opinion. I look forward to sharing shoes. I look forward to more date hikes and late nights making soap together.

And so it is happening. She is growing up.

Winter Beauty

Capturing moments like this makes the long winters more bearable.

My Girls

My Girls. They grow more beautiful every day. I am overwhelmed by their grace, kindness, creativity, wit, and adventurous spirits. Their individual personalities add so much substance to my life. Someday soon, I hope to do a photo post all about my boys. With court coming up quickly (April 10th) to be exact, we are hoping for some sort of new direction. The foster limbo is exhausting, but we have a precious little guy to love on and nurture. A little guy who is full of smiles and loves the camera. I have folders full of photos just waiting to be shared with all of you. Until then, we will enjoy the girls. They are delightful, and they are mine, and I am blessed to be their mom.

Right Where We Are

Winter has been long and cold. We survive by living right where we are. Home. This is where we venture from. To walk through the woods to the ice rink, to drive five minute to cross country ski, to sled, and to explore endless hours in the woods,. This is where we are. It is home, and I am thankful.

Into the Unknown ~ The Beginning of our Fostering Journey

Months ago (ten to be exact), we decided to pursue foster care. Our intention is to adopt. All of our children are on board. We filled out mountains of paperwork, took hours of classes, worked through dozens of interviews, then filled out more paperwork. We re-arranged rooms then we waited....and waited....and waited. We carried on with our lives and shoved the idea into the back of our minds. Not so far back that we didn't think about it, but enough so that it was no longer an everyday thought. Then we got a call.

With a mixture of excitement and anxiety, I asked the casework what seemed like a million questions. Everything seemed to fit. I didn't commit. When dear hubby came home, we deliberated for hours. What if....What about....How....and CAN WE DO THIS? We went to bed with more questions and no solutions.

The next morning, my husband says, "I have decided that we are going to say yes." I think, "Okay, now what?" He says, "yes," but I am afraid. I can't shake the "what ifs?" I say, "okay, I will call the caseworker."

After talking with the caseworker, I felt better. More questions answered. A reasonable time frame presented.....let's meet next Wednesday for you to meet the little one and the current care provider. Then we can arrange another time for you to meet and play with the little one before you take this little one home. This was do-able for me. Let's ease into this; let it be easier.

Two hours later, I got another call: "Can you take the little one tomorrow?" Uh..... my thoughts whirled through my head...all the questions rising to the surface again. Yet, we say, "yes." That tomorrow is today. This afternoon we will pick up another addition to our family. We are not ashamed to say that we are scared out of our minds. We will be giving our hearts and love to the little one without knowing if this child will ever become ours. I don't know how to hold my heart back; I don't know how to give a little bit of love and reserve some for later....just in case. And I don't want to.

So, we move forward, fully aware that our hearts could be broken....ripped right out. We move forward because there is a greater joy that can replenish a broken heart. There is a greater joy that can fill the questions. We move forward because we trust that peace will invade our home and our hearts as we walk boldly, full of bravery. We are ready to love the next generation, to give of ourselves sacrificially, to honor others before ourselves.

We talk with our children. We prepare them (as best we can) for what might come. They will walk this journey with us. We are a family, and we come alongside one another.They are excited. They remind us that the little one will need a toothbrush.

 My heart races, then calms. I think, "how do I introduce myself to this 17 month old little one?" Then I know, in my heart the answer, "with love." My heart calms, I take a deep breath, and I say, "yes, I am ready for this. I am ready for the journey. I am ready for the hard climbs and the easy slopes. I am ready for the sharp rocks and the rushing rivers. I am ready for whatever the journey offers us. I am ready to love, learn, and grow."

A video and a contest

We have entered another Video Contest. With a house full of girls who love American Girl dolls and a husband who loves to make videos, what else is there to expect? This was probably the most challenging video we have ever made. We needed to capture our three year old and her "sweet moments" with her Bitty Baby. We were not allowed any music so we got as creative as we could. The night we were finishing this video, Alan's video card kept crashing so he worked for hours cutting and pasting in order to export the video properly. It turned out lovely! It is really fun to capture our children in videos like this...to see another side...to play around with some fun angles...and to watch it over and over again.

The contest part has two phases....right now the contest is in the public voting phase. We would appreciate all your votes. You can vote once per day per email account! So, go to
 http://www.bittybabycontest.com/detail.cfm?id=210
and vote, vote, vote!!! Thank you all so much.

Summer Travels ~ Evergreen Aviation and Space Museum

The day before we boarded our plane to head home, the older two and Daddy met up with the cousins and my brother at the "coolest museum, Mom!" I stayed back as the younger two are not that interested in museums yet (they will get there). I don't have much to share about this experience because I wasn't there. I do have lots of photos and can tell you that, according to my husband and older two children (ages 10 and 8), this is a must see if you are visiting Oregon. They could have spent another full day exploring. The highlight was definitely the Spruce Goose. What a treat to be able to sit in this plane!