Happy Thanksgiving

 For as long as I can remember, Thanksgiving has been my favorite holiday. A full day set aside to celebrate thankfulness. A day set aside for spending time with family and friends. A day that is all about looking outside of ourselves and reminding our hearts to be overflowing with gratitude. Sometimes I feel sorry for Thanksgiving....sandwiched between Halloween and Christmas, barely getting a few weeks of prep and focus. It often feels like Thanksgiving is the underdog of holidays. We have even pushed Black Friday shopping so much that families can no longer enjoy the full day.  Not that I am against shopping or Christmas prep...I love Christmas as well. I just want to give Thanksgiving its time. We tend to speed through our lives so quickly; we often forget to pause, take a deep breath, and simply be in the moment. On Thanksgiving, we have the opportunity to be in the moment with a heart posture of gratitude.

Our Thanksgiving lacks any frills. I don't have any fancy dinnerware (that all broke years ago). I buy Thanksgiving themed paper plates and cups. We buy Sparkling Cider and drink it from paper cups. We set a bouquet of flowers (purchased by my husband on his way home from work Wednesday night) on the table, and it is quickly moved when the children sit down to play "The Great Dalmuti." Everyone arrives at noon. We eat in three different rooms because the 19 of us cannot fit in one room. My in-laws bring a folding table....I throw a paper tablecloth on it. We haul out the folding chairs, and enjoy our time. Thankful for who can be with us, while missing those who live too far away to join us.

We don't see the cell phones out on Thanksgiving, unless they are being used for photos or videos. Not because I have made this a rule, but because we all enjoy being with each other. We want face to face time. We want to make memories and not miss a moment of it. After dinner, we play game after game. Everyone participates from the youngest child to the oldest grandparent. We play Mafia, Family Feud, Charades, and Mad Libs Theater. We laugh until we are crying. We get loud....then louder.

We eat dessert. It takes nearly an hour to finish dessert because we are all visiting. After dessert, we visit some more. Friends start to trickle home at 6:00. At 7:00 we are still visiting with family, laughing and almost sad to see the day end. Then it really is time to go home. Everyone participates in cleaning up the house, and it is done within minutes. The "good-byes" start. In our family it takes at least 30 minutes to say goodbye. There are 16 of us to get through. The younger kiddos carry on the tradition of "good-bye" pick ups, giving hugs and picking each other up in the process. The older kids hug and perform their secret handshakes. Everyone hugs everyone...and by the time we are done, we feel the need to do it all over again. At the end, we shut the door. We sit and talk about the great day we had. We pull out Boggle because we are not quite done. We play for a while then the younger ones are put to bed. The older kids sit to watch a movie, and hubby and I crawl into bed, content and thankful. 

We talk about past Thanksgivings. We talk about my Grandpa John and his Thanksgiving saying, "You better get in there quick before all the food is gone." We laugh some more, remembering all the fun and memories we have made. We wonder what the children will remember. What their favorite Thanksgiving memories will be. Then we fall asleep, already thinking about next year. I hope you all enjoyed celebrating with your family and friends! I miss you all!

Death and Discovery Part 2

My blog has been dormant for four years. Three years worth of posts have built up in my brain, but I have lacked the energy and time to sit down and actually compose anything worth reading. My last post, Death and Discovery, was written right after my grandfather passed away....but that title feels so fitting for this new phase of life I am in so I used it again.

Adoption changed me. Many days I grieve the woman I once was. The woman who died when the adoption process began. The woman who had it together, the woman who was there for everyone, the woman who taught Bible studies, and had an intense faith that felt unshakeable. The woman who kept a clean house and never yelled at her children. That woman is gone. The last three years have changed me. I am a woman shaped by experiences that I never thought I would have. A woman who has had to restrain her son in his fits of rage and violence. A woman who has lost it, and through tears cried, "I give up! I don't want to be a mom anymore; this is too hard!" A woman who is so exhausted at the end of the day that the dishes stay in the sink. A woman who occasionally eats doughnuts for lunch because it is easy. I have cried myself to sleep. I have questioned God, asking for wisdom and strength that I do not have.

Adoption changed me. I am stronger. I understand motherhood, sacrifice, and devotion more than I ever have. I no longer stand in judgement over struggling mothers. I hold them, pray for them, and celebrate small victories with them. I have become a woman who recognizes my deep need for Jesus and His saving grace.My faith has been shaken, and I see and understand God's love for me a little more each day. I am a woman who loves deeply and hurts easily.

Adoption changed me. I have discovered more of myself. I have witnessed the self discovery of a child, and I am eternally changed. I have held his hands while we walk. I have listened to hours of his stories and thoughts. I have held him while he cries, not understanding why he reacts the way he does. I have discovered what love really looks like. Choosing to love when everything feels hopeless and bleak. Loving through the anger and destruction. Holding onto the truth when the truth cannot be seen. Discovery.....of myself....of my child....of who I want to be.

 Adoption changed me. The path doesn't look as straight as it once did. There are so many twists in the road that I cannot see ahead. I have learned to stay focused on the here and now. Not fearing the future or what I cannot change. Choosing instead to say "thank you" for the moment. I remain steadfast in the struggle. I look to embrace the difficulties rather than try to fight against them.

There are still many tears. Days I want to give up. Yet I have a vision for the long journey. Death and Discovery along the way. Dying to my old ways of mothering, thinking, toiling. Putting to death expectations and societal pressures. Discovering appreciation and gratitude; discovering my profound need of Jesus who offers a "yoke that is easy and a burden that is light." Discovering how to love even more deeply, understand more freely, listen openly, and run with wholehearted faith, expectant to see God continue to change my heart. To continue to challenge me while holding me close.