Death and Discovery Part 2

My blog has been dormant for four years. Three years worth of posts have built up in my brain, but I have lacked the energy and time to sit down and actually compose anything worth reading. My last post, Death and Discovery, was written right after my grandfather passed away....but that title feels so fitting for this new phase of life I am in so I used it again.

Adoption changed me. Many days I grieve the woman I once was. The woman who died when the adoption process began. The woman who had it together, the woman who was there for everyone, the woman who taught Bible studies, and had an intense faith that felt unshakeable. The woman who kept a clean house and never yelled at her children. That woman is gone. The last three years have changed me. I am a woman shaped by experiences that I never thought I would have. A woman who has had to restrain her son in his fits of rage and violence. A woman who has lost it, and through tears cried, "I give up! I don't want to be a mom anymore; this is too hard!" A woman who is so exhausted at the end of the day that the dishes stay in the sink. A woman who occasionally eats doughnuts for lunch because it is easy. I have cried myself to sleep. I have questioned God, asking for wisdom and strength that I do not have.

Adoption changed me. I am stronger. I understand motherhood, sacrifice, and devotion more than I ever have. I no longer stand in judgement over struggling mothers. I hold them, pray for them, and celebrate small victories with them. I have become a woman who recognizes my deep need for Jesus and His saving grace.My faith has been shaken, and I see and understand God's love for me a little more each day. I am a woman who loves deeply and hurts easily.

Adoption changed me. I have discovered more of myself. I have witnessed the self discovery of a child, and I am eternally changed. I have held his hands while we walk. I have listened to hours of his stories and thoughts. I have held him while he cries, not understanding why he reacts the way he does. I have discovered what love really looks like. Choosing to love when everything feels hopeless and bleak. Loving through the anger and destruction. Holding onto the truth when the truth cannot be seen. Discovery.....of myself....of my child....of who I want to be.

 Adoption changed me. The path doesn't look as straight as it once did. There are so many twists in the road that I cannot see ahead. I have learned to stay focused on the here and now. Not fearing the future or what I cannot change. Choosing instead to say "thank you" for the moment. I remain steadfast in the struggle. I look to embrace the difficulties rather than try to fight against them.

There are still many tears. Days I want to give up. Yet I have a vision for the long journey. Death and Discovery along the way. Dying to my old ways of mothering, thinking, toiling. Putting to death expectations and societal pressures. Discovering appreciation and gratitude; discovering my profound need of Jesus who offers a "yoke that is easy and a burden that is light." Discovering how to love even more deeply, understand more freely, listen openly, and run with wholehearted faith, expectant to see God continue to change my heart. To continue to challenge me while holding me close.